Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
