I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
