I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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