Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
