Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
