my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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