My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
