Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
