So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
