She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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