I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
