What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
