If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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