my phone needs a breathalizer
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
