I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
