I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
