3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
