If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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