so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
