I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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