I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
