I looked at my own cervix.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
