i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
