Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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