You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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