If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Reggie can tackle my bush.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
