i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
