I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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