Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
