im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
