Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
