i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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