I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
