member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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