I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
