at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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