Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
