I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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