I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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