Where did you get a picture of my penis
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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