You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
