I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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