So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
