Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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