He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
They took my balls.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
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