I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you traded sex for a burrito?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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