Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
