And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
