I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
