So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
