i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
